Life out loud

I remember getting home late one night from dancing and falling asleep in the TV room. We used to have this amazing TV room in my house in Loresho that had this lovely Japanese bed (on the floor) covered with the softest satin cushions. You see, what I would do is get home after a good night, and because I was still so awake, I would change into my PJ's and go downstairs to watch TV. Of course, I would never be as alert as I thought I was and the bed was so comfy that I would end up falling asleep, with the TV on. So there I was in and out of sleep, watching TV and snoozing and I could hear the birds begin to chirp. I stretched out for the remote and changed the channel to CNN and the breaking news was the untimely death of Diana, Princess of Wales. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and watched with disbelief and shock to some degree. Like the rest of the world I watched her funeral on SKY and was so moved by her life and then her tragic death. I remember how it affected some people and how some people had a sense of humour about it. 'They used to call her Princess Di, now they will call her Princess Dead' was one of the many jokes.
It is OK to have a light moment even during the somber days. Everyday we are closer to our day of reckoning. Everyday we get closer to leaving this place. The scary thing is that we don't know how and we don't know when.

I lost my father when I was 6 years old. I never understood death at that age. I remember that he was ill and in hospital and it was my eldest brothers birthday. We had gone out for dinner and when we came home I saw all his sisters at home crying. I got into the house and my mum told me that my father was no more. As with any 6 year old, I found it hard to understand. So I told myself that he had gone on holiday and he would be back. I remember his funeral vividly; there were so many people - family, friends, business associates. There was a bit of a commotion when the person who had brought the Flag of Kenya from President Moi arrived. When they put my dads photo up I looked at my mum and said 'don't be sad ma, there he is, smiling.' I remember when they brought his body home and I watched in disbelief and confusion as the priests prayed and everyone mourned. I hugged my dads sister, tightly around her waist and remember tears streaming down my cheeks. At assembly in school the headmaster paid tribute to my father and everyday when I got home from school I would hear prayers and everyone who was praying was singing - of course I thought this was a celebration because why else would people chant and sing - my dad has come back home. He never did.
He was an amazing person and do this date he is remembered. Now that's a life well lived.

The thing about death is it's final. That's it. No more. Finished. The end.

As I grew up I would learn about friends parents passing away and try and console them. But because I was so young when dad died, I never fully understood grief. When my brother died is when it hit me. He died at the age of 20 in a car accident. I just left for the USA to study. My brother, Raju, had so much going for him. He was fun and fabulous and lived life the way it should be - to the fullest. A month before he had passed on a friend of mine, Dan Eldon, was killed in Somalia. He was a photographer and he had taken some of my photos. They were family friends and I remember going to pay my condolences and hugging his sister and feeling so sorry for her. What do you say to someone who is going though such a loss? Of course, a month later, I was in her exact situation. I could not understand it. There were so many questions - the what ifs, the whys, the whens. I tried to understand what he must have felt, I consoled myself by saying that he must have known because on the weekend before his death he met everyone he knew and he was happy - this of course all his friends told me, I was not here to see. I made myself feel better by telling myself that at least I said bye to him at the airport a week before. But to tell you the truth, losing anyone sucks big time.
There is an aching emptiness that sets in that makes you want to scream, cry and vomit all at the same time. There is a feeling of despair that takes over and then there is the denial.
The time it hits you the most is when you wake up from a deep sleep and it is all quiet and you remember. It wasn't a dream, it is reality and you have to accept it and live with it.

It takes a lot to recover from the death of a loved one and everybody grieves differently. You can never say that just because you have experienced it once the next time it happens you will be able to handle it. Death sucks.

The point I am trying to make though is that we must be able to live life fully. This year has been extremely tragic when it comes to how many people have died and how. I have heard of stories of so many people who have been diagnosed with illnesses such as cancer and then they are told that they are dying. The thing is, we are all dying; that is a fact. Like I said before, we don't know when and we don't know how. But I feel when we hear or see death so near it is up to us to change the way we live life.
As cliched as it all sounds -egos can be put aside, you can say goodbye to your bad attitude, pessimism should be thrown out the door, negativity should not be given a chance to reside in your being, because if we are all dying, and we do not know when our last day is, would you want your last day on earth to be with you complaining and worrying? Enjoy the colours of the world, don't hold a grudge, go dye your hair blonde if that is something you want to do, be happy and healthy today because who knows what may happen tomorrow.
At the end of the day we have to adopt a sense of humour when it comes to this thing we call life. I remember reading a one liner on the net in my radio days; 'Don't take life too seriously, we never get out alive'.

My life - Never a dull moment...

Last year this time I was pushed into a world that was brand new to me - the world of print. I had my first issue of DRUM magazine come out and as the editor, I was very excited. I had managed to nab an interview with Iman and as Face of Africa was around the corner, and her cosmetic line was one of the sponsors, I thought I did darn good for myself and the magazine. I was very pleased with myself.

It was very new to me though, being in this field. A lot of people weren't too happy that I had been put in this post without any experience as an editor. But I had a passion for the brand and felt that I could take it to the next level. I really had a vision for it. Of course, 5 months after my joining the entire company shut down - hmmmm.... Oh well, dust yourself off and move on, that is what I did.

Before joining DRUM, I was in a bit of a dilema. You see, I had applied for the job at DRUM thinking I would never get it, after all, it was a society magazine and the only experience I had in terms of writing was a few articles here and there including some for East African Standard but I had tons of experience in society - I consider myself quite the socialite. I was also debating to take on another job, something that I had lots of experience in. I was approached by Capital FM to host their breakfast show - something I had wanted to do in my career as a radio presenter.

The thing is, when you present the breakfast show on any radio station, you have 'arrived' in terms of radio. So as I did radio for a long while and was always on the mid morning show and am a person who loves a challenge, the next step up would have been breakfast. When my old pal CK took me out for lunch to talk about the show, I asked him for a ridiculous amount of money and he agreed to it (I wish I had asked for more!) but reality is, it wasn't about the salary, it was about the love for radio that drove me back there!

So there I was back at the radio station, 'training' for something I could do blindfolded. Then it hit me, the reason I had left radio was because it was just so full of politics. You think politics is bad, you should really try radio. First of all there was this presenter that they tried to pair me with who told me 'well, you see, I am better than you because I am studying media and well you...you have never studied'. Gosh, I am surprised I didn't smack her! They say you should never hit someone with glasses (you should find something heavier, like a stick). I had a gazillion years of experience and here she was telling me that she was better than me because she has studied media. To quote Ellen DeGeneres who gave an awesome commencement speech at a graduation ceremony -"I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school. And I didn't go to college here, I didn't go to any college at all. Any college. And I'm not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I"m a huge celebrity."
Don't tell me I didn't study, my brother died when I went to university afterwhich I made the choice NOT to study. She also questioned me about my marriage, but I think the girl had issues.

Anyway, after a few days of feeling the vibe and getting a call from DRUM to tell me I had got the job as editor, I had to walk away from radio. It didn't make me feel great as I miss the listeners, the fun and the silliness on air, but I had to stand firm in growing my career.

I have to say in January this year I had it all planned out - I would have a baby, a flourishing career as an editor, DRUM would be a successful brand and I would travel the world first class (well, just because it sounds good). Today I am a mother and my career is in a lull again. Not because I do not have opportunities but because I now have to sit down and think of the next thing for me to do - the next big challenge. This one is a head scratcher.

Anyway, being in the media has made me grow an extra thick layer of skin so I know that when something really good will come my way I am sure I will be to handle the crap that comes with it - like they say, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!

Q n A

No one really prepares you for parenthood. Parenting comes with questions galore. Of course, there is so much information available, you have your parents, your in-laws, your aunts and sisters, doctors to ask, but nothing gives you the answers until you go through the experience.
 
Question: How do you feel when your baby/child hurts him/herself?
I was BBMing a friend of mine, Aditi, who was blessed with twins two years ago - a boy and a girl. Hats off to her, I have no idea how she does it, and she makes it look so easy. Anyway, her little girl had a fall and she hurt her knee. I think something like that hurts us more as parents. These are growing pains, and we know that we have gone through the same as kids with cuts, falls, scrapes and all and in retrospect it was not as bad as we made it out to be when we screamed the house down. When I look at childhood scars (that have lasted, remember the keloid skin that I have) I feel like I have lived, I call them war wounds. I also remember the casts I have been in - when I broke my left arm and my right leg - not at the same time, but in my 'youth'. Point is that it hurts when your baby is hurting.

Question: Is it normal to feel unsure?

 

Rakhee and Pinky


Rakhee, Nairobi's Gina Ford, is a childhood friend of mine with two sons. She and I may not speak daily, but she is there whenever I need her. All 5 foot nothing of her..she knows I love her really, and I have to say for her petite size, she can put the fear of God in you. When Raj and I started dating she gave him the 'look after Pinky ....or else' talk; to date the dude remembers it. Rakhee is who I call whenever I am in a panic when it comes to my little one. She has the equation down and she is super confident. With her there are no ifs and buts, she tells it like it is.
She and I are thinking of starting a blog just focusing on being a mom (btw, since when did that become the new spelling of mum?). She sent me her first article, it is super funny and if you are a parent or even thinking of becoming one, you will totally enjoy it. Watch this space for more details.


Question: Is it appropriate to always talk about your baby?

 

Suzie Wokabi of SuzieBeauty


I went for lunch with my gal pal Suzie, of SuzieBeauty, and she was blessed with adorable Maceo in February this year. We have not had a girlie lunch since we both had babies. Sure, we have hung out, but not like we used to. It was her birthday and we decided on pink wine and Japanese cuisine. All we spoke about was what time our kids sleep, what formula to try, if a dummy is the right way to pacify a baby, and so on. Five years ago I would have found that conversation DULL!!! But I loved it, it was the perfect way to spend a lunch, talking about our bundles of joy as opposed to gossiping about who did what, where and how. I guess you have to gauge your audience and see if it is ok to talk about kids. No one wants to hear you drone on and on about your bubba, you are not the only woman to bring a child into this world.

Question: Can i talk to strangers?

The thing is, when you are pushing a pram around the mall, or sporting a bump, when you see another woman doing the same, you instantly become buddies. 'How far?' 'How old?' 'Boy or girl?' 'Sleeping all night?' 'First born?' become standard questions that you and this stranger throw back and forth at each other. It is amazing how women are able to just click when it comes to babies. The best people with all the answers are those who have gone through or are going through the same/similar experience. Granted, no two babies are the same, but it is always best to get to hear other mothers speak about what they have gone through.

Question: What constitutes for a stupid question?

There are some women who love to ask 'Does she cry?' These women seem frustrated in someway or another. There are a very select few and if you are a mum, you know who I am talking about because at one point or another you have encountered these women. Of course she cries, she is an infant, which infant is able to communicate with you otherwise? Why doesn't anyone ask 'Does she laugh?' because she does, and she coos and gurgles and makes the most adorable noises. If, when they ask 'does she cry' , they are trying to find out if she keeps me up all night, I have no idea how it makes a difference, as I am quite sure they are not going to run to my home at 3am to pacify my baby. Should I ask them?

Question: Can you tell that I am faking my smile?

Lastly, when you meet me on the street and I do not have Ariyana with me, please do not ask me who she looks like. It takes 6 months for their features to develop and I cannot say who she looks like because when I see her, I see Ariyana. Aha! There you go, she looks like Ariyana. When you do see me with her and you have a good look, don't pat my shoulder and say 'am sorry, but she looks like her father', because yes, as much as I carried her for 40 weeks, there is no rule book that says she needs to look like me and it is a good thing she looks like her father, not my Chinese neighbour, after all, Raj did also play a part in bringing her into this world.

No one really prepares you for parenthood, but once you are in it, be prepared to ask questions and answer plenty!!

Can I tell you a secret?

 I remember a couple of years ago the movie/docu-drama ‘The Secret’ was all the rage. Of course you remember it because, like me, when you watched it with we were filled with delight and felt so empowered, after all, we were armed with the knowledge. We were excited, enthralled and some other emotion that begins with the letter E. But how long was it before the fuzz inside went flat? A week? A month? A year? I have to admit, I strongly believe in the law of attraction, but one thing I know is that it does not work by itself. After watching The Secret and buying the book (I would read it daily for inspiration), I wrote things down, I visualised, I “loved my bills” but as much as I wanted this to work, I was slowly growing weary of being so upbeat about having the house on the beach by March 2008 and the Bentley in the car park and Oprah home for cucumber sandwiches and tea.

Yes, The Secret tells us how to attract things into our lives, but have you tried to attract things into your life and the opposite keeps happening? Or have you sat there, closed your eyes, felt the steering wheel of the car in your palms and then become totally frustrated? I know some friends of mine said that it was all utter bull**** because you cannot visualise losing weight and drop 2 dress sizes (if only…). I have to say though, the trick of the parking spaces, (you know, where you pull into a mall parking lot that is so full, but you visualise an available parking and snap, just like that, you get it?) that one ALWAYS (depending on how late you are) works, uncanny! Why doesn’t it work whenever I think of the $20,000,000 cheque that I am owed (by whom, don’t know and for what, well, your guess is as good as mine!).

To be honest, before the DVD came along there was the book and before that book there were a million other books on the same topic. I remember reading a book called ‘If Life is a Game Then These Are The Rules’ and ‘The Power of the Subconscious Mind’ and then there was a book called ‘If You Believe it Then You Will See it’ and ‘You Can Heal Your Life’. All these books taught the same thing; visualising, believing and then seeing your dreams turn into reality. But after The Secret there was one book that made me open my mind up completely in regards to my purpose on this earth. I can only talk about my experiences, many people are very sceptical about these things, and like I always say, each to their own. ‘A Little Light On The Spiritual Laws’ by Diana Cooper was the book where author sheds light on all the laws; the laws of life, the laws of creation, the laws of higher awareness and the laws of higher frequency.

Once you read it and understand it and are able to open your mind to her notions you probably will see things in a different light, or not – I won’t hold it against you. In one of her chapters she talks about the law of projection, one thing I find interesting. ‘We project our stuff, both good and bad, on to other people and assume it is within them, often denying it is within us’. Like when we think or say ‘she is stupid’ we are projecting our stupidity on to her. The other intriguing chapter is on the law of reflection; every person in your life is a mirror aspect of you, if something about someone bothers you, this is something within you that you need to work on. Ah, this stuff is way too deep, and an endless topic!
The law of vibration is something that works with everything (including that stuff The Secret was telling us about, but she forgot to mention this law – perhaps she was waiting to reveal it in a later DVD so she could make another 100 million dollars, or whatever!). When you think of something with feeling, that feeling is the vibration and the vibration is what you let out into the universe, after all, everything is energy. This energy is what impacts your life.

I am no professional on this subject, but all I can say is that it doesn’t hurt to try to send out or be more positive. Even Bob Marley sang about Positive Vibrations. I have a few friends who get this; Suzie, Petra, Coco, Purvi – they all seem in tune with this stuff. Sometimes I find myself learning from them too. I guess in a nutshell what I am trying to say, in a very long winded way (why else have a blog?) is that we need to be happier, channel good thoughts and be light when we walk into a room. This means changing our words, our thoughts and then our general vibe. Try it for a day or two, if it doesn’t work for you go back to being the old you, perhaps there is no reason for you to change.

Thanks for allowing me to share, I am now off to watch a DVD my brother lent me, it is called Beyond The Secret, hmmmm..... seems like I am in for an interesting evening.

Have a good one ;)

Ass if!

A couple of weeks ago the contribution to my cousins blog was posted. It was so much fun reading all the comments and getting the feedback from our friends and family. Naina, my cousin, thought it would be fun to have me write a bit for her blog (as I will get her to contribute to mine) and seeing that I was very free at the time (baby had not yet been born) I agreed. I totally enjoyed it and seeing my stuff up on her blog was super cool!

Anyway, last week the press called me in regards to the same blog. I was asked about the 'butt enhancers', or as I like to call them, ass pads. Here is what I had to say about them. The article called for me to write about my top 5 wardrobe essentials, I listed shoes, shades, dark blue jeans, lounge wear and butt enhancers. "Don’t laugh. For a first meeting I am probably sharing too much information, but I was not gifted with a Kim Kardashian ass. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to get one by putting the hours in the gym, but it has never worked for me. Even during my pregnancy I was assured by all my gal pals that the posterior would grow, unfortunately I got nothing down there. So I invested in a nice pair of underwear with padding. Trust me it got the heads turning. In my line of business people look at the way you look all the time, so I said to myself that instead of getting the butt surgically enhanced, here is a more simple, yet stylish way to do it, without going under the knife"

The lady who called me was surprised that I would admit to something like this. To be honest, I find it no big deal. I have been in the media for a while now and I have heard the whispers when I walk by that I am posterior deprived and there really is nothing I can do about it. My mother tells me I inherited from my dad, seeing as he passed away when I was 6 years old, I am darned proud of the flatness of it. Still, it never stopped her, or any other members of my family of making fun of how flat it is. I never took it personally and till date love the fact that its not a round bum. Like I said, I have tried the squats, the lunges, the uphill trek on the treadmill, all these have toned the ass, but never given it any real shape.

I always used to put it down to the fact that most muhindis (Kiswahili for Indian) are flat on the backside. Of course I stood corrected last week when I saw a pretty petite girl with a well rounded behind. I could have rested my mug of chai (Kiswahili for tea) on it. I have to admit, I was staring for a while and perhaps enviously so. I hope no one caught me looking, that would start a whole new set of rumours!

I rememeber when I was on radio with Italia Masiero, she would always make fun of my bum, even on the air. My husband, Raj, knows that he can mock the behind and not get a reaction out of me, if anything, I laugh with him. The fact is, I am not in denial, I work in a field where the body matters, I look at my good points and my bad points and just accept my body for what it is. When I was preggers and did my photo session with Barbra Minishi, I tried to do the Demi Moore style poses - what she did for vanity fair when she posed naked for the cover. I loved the photos, until I saw the one where I had turned to the side...oh dear, if only I could have worn the 'butt enhancers' there too!!>



Truth be told, we live in the day and age where beauty can be bought; fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes, spanx, padded bras, fake tans, contact lenses, etc. Come to think of it, you can even airbrush on a six pack! So why make such a big deal about butt enhancers! Like I said, much better than going under the knife (although, Brazil is on my list of countries to visit, who knows what may happen there!) and they work, the jeans look amazing when the cheeks are enhanced.

C for Celebration

So here I am, 8 weeks post delivery (of my very beautiful baby girl - Ariyana) and I am looking at my scar from the C-section wondering when it will disappear. I never wanted to have a C, but it just ended up like that - and I think my bubba was super impatient to meet the world! It is amazing how 8 weeks have just flown by, I remember her birth date like it was yesterday. I have to say, until you become a mother, no one telling you what a great feeling it is can make you feel the way it feels. She has now reached this stage where she is recognising faces and responding to noises and her smile, bless her, melts our hearts. Of course, all moms would say that about their own bundles of joy, but it's true, there is nothing like a smile from this little being who looks at you, recognises you, and flashes you her gums (sans the pearly whites).

Back to this 'scar' - I have keloid skin, which means that when I scar, the skin hardens and raises above the rest of the skin. Basically, it is a scar that never goes. Before I went in for my C I had explained to the doctor and he prescribed something called contractubex. I have been applying that religiously since I came home from the hospital, combined with bio oil. Let's see how, if and when this scar goes. Mind you, bio oil kept those stretch marks at bay - totally, not seen one since delivery, phew!

I have spoken to many people about delivery, some say that they would rather go the natural way, although it was my first option, in retrospect, I would not have done it any other way! Yes, there is pain, yes there is discomfort, but everything is managed. For my next baby I am going to have an elective C. I have a gal pal, Rakhee, she is so straight about these things. She says, an I quote "I am no mother naturelle", she chooses how she will deliver and when. Makes sense, especially in this day an age where us women like to plan everything and their schedules, it beats waiting for labor or even trying to induce labor - I tried castor oil, walking and bouncing on a medicine ball! If anything is painful, it is waiting for labor, that is if you are impatient like I am. Each to their own, though, every woman is different, everyone has a different pain threshold and patience.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I wanted to do the celeb thing and have a C. Then I read up on it and opted to push. The healing is faster, the uterus contracts faster, there are no scars or in my case keliods, there is not much medication (depending on if you opt for a pain killer) and I honestly thought I could push! I never had the nightmares about being in labor, but from every woman who has delivered naturally I have heard that the pain is like nothing else in the world. But they say man proposes, God disposes. Also the doctors in this country seem to like it when you choose to go the C way.. I wonder why? Nudge nudge, wink wink!

Nonetheless, C or no C, I now see that it all worked out for the best. We have a beautiful baby girl and we have so much to be grateful for!